You didn’t just walk, you ran back to the lab, to the rest of your research to think about anything else. Anything else. The paper about your discoveries wouldn’t be written by itself. And then, the longer you spent on it, the more you thought of Viktor and his slender frame walking towards only Janna-knows-where. You couldn’t help but picture him asking around to see if anyone had seen Jayce recently.
You give up, wondering if you need a break, trying to get rid of whatever made your heart hit itself against your ribcage again, again and again until it bled to death. Still, it didn’t matter how many times you circled around the Academy and it’s huge campus, your glance locked on the twilight sun, wishing you could burn away just like it did every night. You didn’t want to think, you wanted this to be over with.
Living in denial would’ve been a lot easier, but you’ve spent months on this research. You’re not stupid. Somehow, somewhere, you had fallen for Viktor. How did that even happen? You always laughed at people who never talked to the supposed “love of their life,” and yet, here you are, wondering if the pain in your chest will ever stop whenever you picture Viktor with someone else. You don’t only feel stupid, you fell like an idiot. You gave him the push he needed to go to someone else’s arms.
Maybe there was still hope. You could burn all your research and focus on something else. Maybe Jayce will reject Viktor, and this won’t be anything but a funny story in a couple years. Maybe, then, you could…
Someone opens the door behind you, your thoughts trailing off as you notice the thin frame closing the door behind him. Viktor had a tired expression which you couldn’t decipher. Just like the scientist you are, you try to decipher as if he was a puzzle. You heard a sound escaping his throat as he fumbled with his keys, making you think of the worst scenario. He was humming to himself, a smile on his face as his cane echoes to the rhythm of a song only he could hear.
“… So?” you mumbled, your voice echoing through the lab despite the knot in your throat. More than relief, you need answers. “How did it go?”
“I…” Viktor’s voice was but a pant even when his smile didn’t leave his face. You were sure he had tried to run, and was still recovering his breath. “He said yes, Y/N! A million times yes!” It felt like another nail in your coffin, or in your heart. His eyes had never shone like that, not even when he thought he was about to crack whatever made the Hexcore work like he wanted, “I’m going to marry Jayce on the Winter Solstice!”
“I’m…” you had to keep talking, you couldn’t let Viktor know how you were dying on the inside. Even if you cried, you were sure he wouldn’t notice, just like he didn’t notice you during the months you were working side by side. “I’m so happy for you!”
“I can’t describe how I’m feeling right now!” Viktor kept talking, oblivious to how watery your own eyes were getting, his cane still echoing as he walked around the lab, “This is… incredible! It’s quite… Unimaginable, but- I’m so happy!” then, as if he remembered your existence, closed the distance between the two of you, taking your dead cold hands unto his even colder hands, “And I appreciate your time, and support! I couldn’t have done this without you!”
Your mind wandered to the only good part of this ordeal; you finally had first hand experience on your research field, which was so much needed because you couldn’t empathize with any of your research subjects. The warmth on Viktor’s eyes felt like daggers directly to your heart, and his smile made sure to dig those daggers deeper and deeper every single time you breathe. “You’re giving me too much credit,” you smile as you get his hands away from you, it’s cold began to burn your skin, “So! Marriage? Isn’t that quick?”
“What?” Viktor scoffed, almost offended, “Of course not! It’s just, well- We don’t want to be away from each other anymore. It was his idea, actually,” the expression on his face was so dreamy you wonder if you’re seeing the poster of a cheesy upcoming opera. But you weren’t. That expression was not reserved for you. “He was thinking on giving me the same flower.”
Somehow, you weren’t surprised. You don’t want to hear more. For the first time, you want him to shut up, but you keep silent as he tells you how the proposal went with painful detail. You don’t even know how you managed to keep it together until he went back to work on the Hexcore, but it was far from over. You still had a good year left in your contract, and the new happy couple asked you to be their maid of honor. You didn’t find a good excuse to reject such a responsibility. You saw how their love grew up every single day and you couldn’t do or say anything. It was hell on earth, and yet, a part of you was glad Viktor was finally smiling. You did everything on your power to not see that smile disappear.
You were responsible for helping them plan the ceremony. They trusted you with a lot of the organizing tasks. And, how could you say “no”? Even if they didn’t pick you as their best woman, you were their assistant. Hell, you even were there when Viktor picked his wedding suit. You finally understood why people kept their feelings to themselves. What you didn’t understand, is how they did it, because everyday you were closer and closer to snapping.
The big day was getting closer and closer. Your research finally finished, waiting for your thesis to be approved. While you found exactly how and why humans act so irrational when love is added to the mix, you couldn’t find yet the part that interested you the most: how to shut one’s emotions off. “Emotions are worth feeling, even if they hurt,” Jayce had told you the day that he read your thesis, the day he discovered you were heartbroken, even if he didn’t it was him who killed you slowly. It took everything in you to not say anything.
“Shut up,” you wanted to tell him, “Keep your motivational shit to yourself. You have no idea. I’m stupid for pushing Viktor towards you. I swear to Janna that if looks could kill…” But you just smiled at him before opening your mouth, remembering that Mr. Talis was still your boss, “Pffft, Jayce, please! I’m fine. It’s just a silly little paper.”
“Are… are you sure?” He was concerned, not mocking you as your brain forced you to think.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” Your forced smile grew wider as you tried to focus on putting some lab equipment back on its place.
“Your… face,” the scientist was looking for a way to explain himself without sounding insane, “When you just started working with us, you were like a bouncing light on the lab. The touch of life we needed to not end up mad from working so long. But now… You look gray. Like the light inside you had died. You became a lot more reserved… and I miss my friend, I want her back,” Mr. Talis put his hand on your shoulder, and you fitted your nails deep in your skin to not slap him away. “I don’t know what happened, but if there’s anything Viktor or I can do to help… You helped us so much, we want to return the favor. Viktor is worried too…”
“Viktor?” you repeated, unable to believe your ears. Viktor has always been a man that was hard to get out of his own head, so the fact that he was worried for you felt… good. You take a deep breath, remembering you’re not supposed to feel good about that, “No. I’ve been dealing with some… family problems. But I’m fine, I promise.”
Mr. Talis was not convinced, but he knew better than to keep pressuring you or anyone else into talking. When Viktor had arrived at the lab, you looked away to not see their PDA. That habit had become so ingrained in you that you stopped noticing you did that.
To your detriment, all the wedding planning had drove Viktor and you closer as well, his smile killing you slowly every time you saw him. To add to your misfortune, Mr. Talis was right. Weeks ago, you had exhausted your tears after crying to yourself every night. Yes, something had died inside of you, you weren’t the same woman they met, but that never got in the way of your career; Rumors only grow, and thanks to that, you had gotten a secret letter from Noxus’ senate, offering you better opportunities and a better salary had you decided to continue your research on human emotions there.
A great opportunity that you were ambivalent about accepting, giving that the City of Progress stopped favoring you. “What you’re looking to achieve is a violation to the ethos!” Heimerdinger exclaimed during your last audience, “Either you willingly dispose of your research, or you’ll be banished from Piltover, Miss Havillard.”
“Viktor…” Your voice echoed in the lab, were you were helping Viktor do the last adjustments to his wedding suit, he had lost some weight during the last few weeks leading to the ceremony. “Do you remember what you said about telling people how you feel… even if it was selfish?”
“Well- yes.” An oblivious Viktor said, swaying his weight onto his good leg as you kept sewing his pants, “How could I not? It was the day Jayce and I got engaged.”
Your heart was so exhausted it didn’t hurt anymore. It was as if your chest had nothing on it but a black hole, numbing down all and any emotions you might’ve felt. Your life in Piltover was over, but there was no easy way to let Viktor know.
“I think I know where you’re getting at,” Viktor’s voice suddenly became lower, more serious, you felt a knot forming in the bottom of your stomach as he kept speaking, “I’m not sure if I’ve ever told you this but… You’re a great friend, Y/N.”
You wanted to put a hand on his lips, plead him to stop, but that man had always been so ignorant to other people’s feelings that he didn’t notice. And, if he did notice, he didn’t let it show, and he didn’t stop. Or, maybe, he knew, and was doing it on purpose. Letting you know there was no chance on earth his heart would become yours. Ever.
“I think you’re a great woman, Y/N. One of the gentlest souls I’ve met during my short time in this world,” he kept speaking, gently squeezing your hand as you stood up to look at him in the eyes. What could’ve been one of the happiest moments on your life was eating you on the inside, words twisting until they lost their meaning, “And I wish you find someone you can share your life with.”
“Well…” As if you had finally accepted your defeat, you put one hand on his shoulder. You did everything you could. “I’m so happy for you,” you lied through your teeth, “I wish you and Jayce happiness.”
The man in front of you looked as if a heavy weight had been lifted off his shoulders. His free arm reached out to pull you closer, his voice brimming with relief, “That means the world to me, Y/N,” he confesses before pulling himself away, “I- I wish you happiness as well! I appreciate you, with all my heart, you have no idea.”
You could feel how the walls you worked so hard to put around your heart tumbled down, one after another, as if made of salt and sand. You just needed to be strong for a little longer, you pray to Janna to give you strength to survive, “You don’t have to thank me, Vik! This is what friends do.”
Viktor’s smile grew wider as he let out a long, heartfelt laugh. He did truly feel better, and you wish you could say the same about yourself, “You’re my best friend, Y/N. But don’t tell Jayce I said that. I don’t want him to get jealous,” he even went back to crack jokes around you. You forced yourself to laugh as you’ve been doing for months now. “But, I’m serious… I can’t thank you enough. For everything you’ve done. For being there. It’s what makes you, well…” Viktor hums for a couple seconds, his hand on his chin as he’s deep in thought, “You! Never change, okay? You’re wonderful just the way you are.”
“Please.” You plead him to stop, hiding behind a grin that you wished with all your might it was real, “You’re flattering me too much, don’t you think?”
But Viktor laughed. You knew he wasn’t mocking you. He was happy for real. Why wouldn’t he be? He’s marrying the love of his life soon, while you’ll go to rot on Noxus.
“I guess I can’t disagree,” he offers, his smile so big you wondered if his face was hurting, “But I don’t take back anything I’ve said. You’ve made my day better. You made my life better. You changed my life…” his hold on your shoulder became tighter, as if it was trying to squeeze your heart to a red gory mush, “Without you, I’d be a lonely, bitter man… But if Jayce and I are together is thanks to you. And for that, I’ll always be grateful. Thank you, thank you so much…”
“Viktor…” You were rendered speechless.
“Yes?” but he was looking directly onto your eyes. That was it. It was goodbye. Your eyes start to tear up and your heart is in so much pain you can’t do anything to stop it.
“I-I’m sorry,” stuttering, you look away. You don’t want Viktor to remember you as a sad crybaby. “I… I don’t think we can be friends anymore.”
“Eh?” Pain crosses Viktor’s features so quick that you, for a moment, think he’s about to have another coughing fit. His hands looked out for yours. “Is it… is it because of Jayce?” he asked straight, and your refusal to answer made him hold onto you tighter, “Y/N, please, tell me!”
Your eyes lock themselves into the way Viktor’s hands intertwine with yours. That view drives you to the edge, you start to break down as all your strength falters away. Viktor tries to help, but his own lack of strength makes him lean on a nearby wall. You want to let go, but Viktor doesn’t allow you to. All your months-long pain is coming out in a powerful burst, and for a moment you don’t care if anyone else hears you.
“You deserve someone who can be happy for your happiness!” You cry out, unsure if Viktor can make sense of your words over all the sobbing and panting, “I can’t bear the pain of seeing you by Jayce’s arms for the rest of our lives! I just can’t…!”
Viktor was never good with his feelings, much less with comforting people. However, he let you cry until your lungs gave out, his hands going through your hair as if he was trying to console you, aware that there was nothing he could do to ease your pain. However, he as just as selfish, if not so, more than you. “What… what about you?” His voice cracked slightly, “Will you just… let me go?” you felt horrified when you heard your thoughts coming out of his mouth, “Is… Is that what you want?”
“No!” You hugged him with all you might. It was the closest you’ve ever been with him… the closest you’d ever be with him. Even when your heart is breaking in two, you don’t want to let him go. Ever. “I, I-I just want you to be happy! I don’t want to resent you because you found happiness with someone else…” you hid your face on his chest, not caring if you ruined his wedding suit. It should’ve been you. He should be wearing that suit for you, not Mr. Talis.
“Y/N…” Viktor hugged you as well, bringing you closer. What was he doing? What kind of sick game was he playing? His voice is shaking as well. Is he crying? You don’t want to look up, you don’t even dare, all you can do is hear his low, soft voice that for moments sounds like a painful soliloquy, “… I am sorry. I’m so sorry you think so lowly of yourself.”
“No!” Your mother language didn’t have enough words to express how much you wanted him to stop. You look up, tears are running down his face too. Seeing his friend like this is killing him. “Please, just… stop,” you sobbed, your chest violently moving along your heart, “I can’t do this…”
“Y/N… just hear me…” You feel his grip becoming even more tight. How many times had you dreamed about Viktor holding you like this, feeling his warmth? But not like this. Not like this! He was looking at you with the most affection he’d ever be able to give you. And he just didn’t. shut. Up. “You are amazing… my best friend. Your light is so bright and shining, it can’t be overshadowed no matter what… And, I don’t say this often enough, you bring me… joy. Y/N, I love you. As a friend. As a human being”
Your chest was breaking in two with every new sentence. You didn’t believe it was possible to love and hate someone this much at the same time. And yet, there you are. You want to hit him, to scream, to kiss him, to hold onto him and never let him go again. But it has to be done.
“I love you…” You never imagined that the first time you said those three words, they’d be filled with all the pain your existence had brought upon you. But all the heartache didn’t leave with that phrase. If anything, it grew stronger as you got closer to his ear to speak. “I hope Jayce and you are happy… I really do.”
“We will be…” In a moment of weakness, the love of your life buried his hand on your shoulder, and you did absolutely nothing to stop him. That was a moment as good as any to drop the bomb.
“I’m leaving to Noxus soon…”
“Is it because of the wedding?” Viktor’s voice was filled with desperation as he held you closer. He had a hard time to talk in between all the sobbing and shaking, but you could understand him anyway, “Y/N, please, don’t go! I-I need you. I don’t want to lose my friend. My sister. My comrade. Not now. Please!” Every time you thought that man couldn’t find another way to hurt you, he found, at least, another five.
“Stop it already!” You forced yourself to let him go, knowing that would be the last time you’d ever feel his warmth, or his breath on your ears. “Viktor, please! I feel as if you’re sticking daggers when you tell me you love me! The love I feel for you, and what you feel for me…” Your voice breaks, forcing you to look away into the sky you two seemed to share that many months ago. “This… this is what I’m talking about. It’s like we’re looking at two different skies.”
Viktor holds tight onto his cane, motioning to hug you back. Your heart and mind ache for his arms, but one of you has to keep a cool head, and you’ve been doing that flawlessly since their engagement, you had practice. You take a moment to look at him as both of you try to make the pouring tears. “I… I’m not leaving because of the wedding.” You confess, your eyes glancing towards the door, making sure no one comes and misunderstands the situation. But you feel the clock ticking. Soon, it’ll be time for you to pack your bags. “This is something out of my control. And I will never make you choose, but I can’t watch as you and Jayce say your vows. And I’m so sorry…”
“Y/N… I respect your choice.” He says after what felt like years. Embarrassed, he finds himself unable to look back at you. “I’ll always respect your choices, even if it hurts…”
“… Hey” you managed to regain some resemblance of composure and helped the future groom clean his tears, your hands on his cheeks. “Please, change that frown… Y-You’re going to be so happy; you won’t even notice I’m not there…”
Viktor took a moment to compose himself, but his eyes are still avoiding you. So, you take the hint and step back again. When his sad, golden eyes look back at you, you need to take another moment to take his glance one last time. You won’t be able to set a foot in Piltover once you make your run to Noxus. You give Viktor a saddened smile, hoping he will remember you as a good friend instead of the broken, pathetic mess that you really are. You want to make sure you’ll remember his gorgeous face forever as well.
“These last months after I got to know you have been amazing,” you lied, but you wanted to focus your mind in the good moments; all the conversations past midnight, the nights you both spent working till late at night, the laughter, the silly jokes… “I will never forget you.”
Your steps echo through the lab as you walk to the door. Viktor looks at you for the last time as well, and you fight against yourself to force a smile through the pain.
“Goodbye, Viktor.”
And then you left the lab.
Viktor looked at the belongings you forgot to take with you before closing his eyes, letting his weight fall onto the chair he always used. He cries in silence as he rests his face on his hands, realizing that the world had become a little darker.
“Goodbye, Y/N.”